A Naturalista’s Guide to Surviving in the Workplace

Please forgive me — I know it’s been a minute since I’ve posted. I’m trying to launch my freelance career and that has been keeping me busy over the past month. However, I’m still going to update my blog I know it’s long overdue. I hope you enjoy!

I transitioned from relaxed hair to natural hair five years ago. I never thought it was an option until I moved to Washington, D.C., where natural hair is not only common, but it is celebrated.

As I transitioned, I noticed there was a fascination with my hair from my white co-workers that wasn’t present when I was relaxing my hair. Hearing comments about my hair is not new to me. Growing up, I went to the salon on a regular basis and whenever I stepped into the salon people immediately swooned over my golden locks. People still ask me if this is my natural color.

But this “fascination” felt different. My co-workers’ comments left me feeling frustrated and uncomfortable.

Since making the transition, I’ve straightened my hair about three times.  One day, I walked in with my hair cascading down to the middle of my back and I was met with some interesting comments. My hair is usually curly so most people don’t actually know how long it is so people naturally were surprised at the length. That didn’t bother me. It’s the remarks about how “elegant” my hair was that bothered me. I’m sure that was meant to be a compliment. However, I took that as a backhanded compliment or a “complisult” which is something that was intended to be a compliment, but can be taken as an insult.

I put “elegant” up there with the other words that make me cringe such as “proper” or “articulate.” They’re words that are not inherently problematic but become a problem in the context in which they are said, particularly when they’re directed toward Black people. These words have a subtle undertone of racism. It’s more about what’s not said it the problem. In this case, can my hair not be elegant and natural?

I don’t think people who say these things are necessarily racist but it is a good ideal to be aware of the connotation and baggage that these words carry.

Of course, my hair is seen as “elegant” when it is straight but not when I wear it in its natural state. I know it has to do with European standards of beauty – I get it. I’d just rather they not say anything at all.  Or if they like it, then just say that. Don’t ask to touch it (especially during a meeting). Don’t tell me you prefer it straight. Don’t comment about how often I change it.

I’ve included some tips and advice that I learned from my experiences in the workplace. I think it’s helpful for those who are transitioning or already natural. These are based on my experiences and are certainly not a one-size-fit-all list.

Be Patient

It’s simple: they  just don’t get it. Not only is this a transition for your hair, it is also a transition for them too in understanding your hair. They’re along for the hair journey with you. Learn to be patient because they really don’t have a clue most times about Black hair. It might be annoying, but just think about one more person that will be more informed about our hair woes. I mean, as a black person, you should already be comfortable explaining yourself to some extent. It just goes with the territory of being a minority.

Be Prepared 

Know that the questions are coming. Be prepared for the constant fascination with your hair. Also have your response ready for when they ask to touch it, how often you wash it, or why it magically “grew” overnight. Think about how you would respond to these and other common questions and be ready to say them with confidence.

Know Your Workplace

I work in an association so my workplace environment is more conducive to creative flair when it comes to my hair. I can get a way with wearing a lot of different styles from afros to faux hawks. I suggest you know your workplace. Is it conservative? Can you get away with wearing less traditional styles?  I personally enjoy pushing the envelope with my hair but I know I can do that. There are certain times when I know an important meeting is coming up and I’ll be more conservative in my styling, but for the most part I enjoy switching it up.

Accessorize Your Hair

I’ve learned is to have fun accessorizing my hair. I enjoy bows, clips, headbands, flowers, etc. I think accessorizing is also important because it takes away the edge of black hair because let’s face it – black hair is political. Throwing a headband or a bow on your afro makes you a lot more “approachable” in white people’s eyes. I guess they don’t think you’ll go all angry black woman on them if you’re afro looks more dainty and less revolutionary. You’re expressing your personal style and others are put at ease in your presence –both parties are WINNING.

Curls over Kinks

I have a very tight kinky-curly curl pattern. I’ve noticed in my time of being natural that people seem to “prefer” when I stretch out my hair and wear a looser curl pattern. Twist out seems to go over very well. People are always fascinated about how much length I actually have. I also prefer to wear a more curly/wavy look for job interviews.  In my experience, curls are always seen more favorable in the workplace.

Water is Your Friend

Whenever you’re having a bad hair day (and they do happen) remember that water is the game changer. You might walk out of your place thinking your hair is cute and then realize when you get to work that you’re hair is a hot mess. That’s okay…water to the rescue! This happened to me recently. I walked to CVS and bought some bobby pins. I wet my hair and used the booby pins to save my hairstyle.

My fellow naturalistas (or naturalistas in transition) what are you workplace survival tips?

The Joys of Therapy

Mental health was a not a topic that I grew up discussing in my home and other spheres of my young life (i.e. school, church etc.) but I’ve really come to feel strongly about it in my adult life. It’s considered taboo in the black community because of our often very strong religious beliefs or the overall denial and/or dismissal of mental health issues. I’ve always maintained (and continue to maintain for that matter) that you can go to therapy and you’re religious beliefs can remain in tact. Trust me, I love Jesus, but I also believe in the process of therapy. I think God gives us tools and uses people to help us get through the painful moments of our lives.

I began therapy in my early 20s after I returned home to live with my mother after graduating from Grinnell College. I dealt with depression/anxiety issues because of the stuff that was going on with her. The university I attended for my master’s offered discounted therapy sessions so I decided to take advantage of them. Initially, I was skeptical because I previously tried therapy at Grinnell and was not impressed. However, I needed help so I decided to give it a try. I’m glad that I did because it was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life.

I’ve continued to go to therapy intermittently throughout my 20s and will probably continue going when necessary in my life. I think it’s a part of living a healthy existence as going to get a physical. I think everyone should try it at least once. Here are a few tips that I’ve learned about therapy along the way:

Finding a therapist is like dating. Finding a therapist is about finding the right fit Do you have chemistry with your therapist? Do you feel comfortable with your therapist? I’ve seen about five therapists in my lifetime and I had a connection with each of them them. I felt like they understood me and could really help me. Sometimes you know if the connection is there right away and other times if might take a few sessions to really figure it out. If you’re reluctant because you’re a Christian, they do have Christian therapists/counselors   😉

Therapists don’t fix you. They simply give you the tools to help you realize how to think about and handle things differently. Sometimes it’s just a matter of talking to an outsider (with a license and clinical understanding) who can offer different ways about approaching your situation(s). Maybe this is very narcissistic of me, but I really enjoy going in my therapy session and talking about me for an hour. It’s fabulous! Sometimes I don’t have a goal in mind or something I’m trying to work through at the moment but I simply want to vent.

Go for a therapist of the same gender.  This might be controversialand slightly hypocritical because I am seeing a male therapist now. I say this because this is the first time that I’m seeing a man and it is very different than seeing a woman. I think I can be a lot more open with women about certain things. I also think it’s a way of guarding your heart because you’re opening up yourself and being vulnerable – I think for me it’s just best I have a female therapist in the future.

Be open to the process. Revisiting traumatic experiences and digging through issues can be exhausting! Be open to the process – help your therapist help you! Change doesn’t happen overnight so be patient with yourself and available to receive healing during this process.

Just Say No…I Dare You!

Cause I am a Superwoman / Yes I am, yes she is / Still when I’m a mess, I still put on a vest / With an S on my chest / Oh yes, I’m a Superwoman ~ Alicia Keys

I think women are naturally wired to be people pleasers. Forgive me for generalizing, but I think it’s our nurturing nature and desire for peace that makes it hard for us to simply say “no” even when we want to. It doesn’t help that society is putting pressure on us to be a “superwoman.” I reject this thinking and the pressure that ensues as a result of this mentality.

I really struggled with saying “no” to people’s many demands. There were many times when I had so much on my plate and couldn’t take on another thing, but I took it on anyway because the feeling of letting others down weighed heavily on me. Everybody wants to feel needed, right? If by some miracle, I did say “no” then I felt the need to offer a lengthy explanation of why I couldn’t do something.

Thankfully, I’ve been healed of the “people pleasing syndrome” and can say “no” with a clear conscience. If I don’t feel like going to an event or somebody asks me to do something for them and I don’t have time – I simply say “no.” I let go of the guilt. I let go of the explanations. In this case, less is more. A simple “no” is sufficient. Are people going to be around when I drive myself crazy meeting their every need? No. I made a decision to say “yes” only when I genuinely want to do something and say “no” if I don’t. It’s a simple concept, but it set me free from sacrificing my comfort and happiness for the sake of pleasing others.

Life is about balance. It’s about finding that helpful medium between helping others and not running yourself into the ground because at the end of the day nobody can take care of yourself like YOU! Besides, how helpful can you be if you’re exhausted and not operating at your full potential?

Be good to yourself and know when saying “yes” is appropriate and know when saying “no” is appropriate and feeling guilt free about it.

A Mother’s Practical Love

“Mothers love their sons and raise their daughters.”

I ’m not sure where this adage came from, but I certainly feel like there is some truth to it. I remember discussing this with my therapist as we explored the implications for the Black community. It seems that Black mothers tend to “baby” their sons and stress the importance of independence to their daughters. We discussed our various theories on why this is the case. We didn’t come to one root cause of this phenomenon, but we both agreed that males and females are socialized very differently in the Black community. 

In taking a step back from the land of generalization, I think about my upbringing. I can’t speak to the relationship my mother had with my half-brother, but we never had a loving relationship. We had good times but, in my opinion, there was no depth or unconditional love present in our mother/daughter relationship.

As I think back on my youth, I’m beginning to recognize that she showed her love differently than the traditional expressions of love that one expects (physical affection, listening, investing emotionally, etc.). My mother showed a more “practical love” that was defined by offering advice and showing me how to be an independent Black woman. I can’t be upset or expect something she wasn’t able to give me. I think realizing that she was unavailable to giving/receiving emotional love allowed me to let go of a lot of painful feelings.

SIDE NOTE:  I’m really grateful that my father was in the household because I’d seriously be an emotionally bankrupt person if he wasn’t there. 

Needless to say, I’m still working through my “mommy issues” and this continues to be a long healing process. However, I want to take a moment to celebrate the things she did right because I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if it wasn’t for her.

Here are some of the most valuable lessons I learned from her: 

Have your own bank account. My mother was all about her separate money. Of course, she paid bills with my father, but she did not believe in the co-mingling of money. Personally, I don’t mind having a joint account with my future husband, but I do plan on having another account for my personal use.

Appearance matters. My mother was a CLASS ACT. She dressed to impress all the time. I think that is why I enjoy dressing up so much. I just remember how much she stressed the importance of appearance.

Always clean up after yourself. “It’s nothing worse than a nasty woman” LOL. I remember my mother saying that to me all the time when I was younger as she “encouraged” me to clean up. Being clean was very important to her. To this day, I still very conscientious about cleaning up, especially when I’m a guest at somebody’s house.

Be mindful of how you engage with other women’s husbands/partners.. Sometimes women are quick to give you the side eye when relating to their significant others. I don’t give anybody a reason to think otherwise of my actions. I’ve learned a few things from her when interacting with married/taken men to ensure that it doesn’t even LOOK inappropriate.

Pay your bills and be responsible.  My mother was a stickler about paying bills and handling her business. Her credit score was always good and she kept extensive records/documentation about important matters. I am definitely the same way and I attribute it to her business-savvy nature.

Those are only a few of the MANY life lessons that I’ve learned from my mother. I’m thankful for her practical love and I definitely see the value in it. However, sometimes I just simply wanted a hug or an “I love you” – not a lesson. I hope (and pray) that when I’m a mother that I can provide both practical love and emotional love to my children, especially my daughter. 

The Misadventures of an Awkward Black Albino Girl

This originally appeared as a note on my Facebook page but I decided to re-post it on my blog because it really does capture a lot of my experiences as a person with albinism. I’m also posting this because some pigmentos in my life don’t get the whole “low vision” thing. 😉 When I say, “I can’t see” I am not lying to you. TRUST ME. Enjoy!

I LOVE the web series “The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl” because it’s incredibly witty and well…awkward! I am inspired to offer my own awkward moments being a Black woman with albinism. It can be both frustrating and comical at times. It’s all in your mindset—you can choose to take everything seriously or you can embrace it while finding the humor in it. In the meantime, enjoy the top 10 awkward moments of being a black woman with albinism from my point of view. They are scenarios that I find myself in quite often.

I hope my friends in the albinism community can relate. For the pigmentos, I hope you can be enlightened about my experience.

10. That awkward moment when I walk into something and try to play it off like I really didn’t just do that. It happens sometimes. *Kanye shrug*

9. That awkward moment when I’m standing at the corner and a car is trying to turn and I can’t see the person gesturing with their hands for me to walk across the street. So I just stand there for several moments wondering when to cross. Now we’re engaged in an awkward dance where I’ll move and then he/she will move and so on until he/she will either make the turn or I literally step out on faith to cross the street.

8. That awkward moment when I see somebody and they ask me why I’m “acting funny” because I didn’t wave back at them. Real talk: I can’t see when you wave at me.

7. That awkward moment when I am being mistaken for another person with albinism.  NOTE: We don’t all look alike. I am not your cousin’s sister baby’s mother.

6. That awkward moment of hearing a car honk and then walking toward the car and almost getting in and then realizing that I don’t know that person. Let me explain. When I was younger, my mother conditioned me to listen for her horn as a signal to let me know she was there (because I couldn’t see). I’ve carried that into my adult life and now I ask people to honk their horn when they pick me up. It gets tricky when I hear horns and think it’s my signal to go the car.

5. That awkward moment when I hold up something close to read it and people ask me why I am holding it so close. They assume just because I wear glasses that my vision is 20/20. If they only had a clue about how low vision works.

4. That awkward moment when somebody asks if I are you biracial. No, unless you count being BLACK and BLACK as biracial. Besides, we’re all “mixed” with something or the other but I consider myself to be Black/African American.

3.  That awkward moment when some random dude tells me that his friend’s girlfriend is an albino. *blank stare* OK, and…what is the point of you telling me that dude? Do you think you and your friend are going to have “matching girlfriends”? Have a seat sir!

2. That awkward moment when I’m talking to somebody and they ask “are you looking at me” or better yet when you say something and a person looks back because they think I not talking to them. Yes, my eyes dance around and no I can’t control it. Now that we got that out of the way—if my comments are directed toward you then I’m talking to you. I’m just saying.

1. That awkward moment when somebody asks me to look at something and I can’t see it but I act like I can just to make it less awkward. I do it ALL the time. The lesson here is to not ask a person with albinism if we see something because unless we’re very close to it—then we’re not able to see it.

Trouble Don’t Last Always…

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much”~ Mother Teresa

Since it’s already established that I’m a church girl (see my previous post) I’ll share one of my favorite gospel songs. It’s called “Trouble Don’t Last Always.” This song has a great message. The chorus of the song simply says: I’m so glad / trouble don’t last always.

And it don’t (or it doesn’t if you want to be grammatically correct!)

I’ve learned that life is about seasons. We experience the transition of seasons in many areas of our lives.  We’re either entering into a storm, in the midst of a storm, or coming out of a storm. It is possible to be in one season in one area of life and be in another season in a different area simultaneously.

I’ve had plenty of stormy seasons in my young 29 years. I’m thankful that I’m a resilient person. I have been able to get through so many painful circumstances with my spirit in tact and my light still shining bright. However, I can’t take credit for that because I know God has kept me though it all. I’m human and for the sake of keeping it real — there are times when I’m going through something and I have my moments where I break down and cry. That’s certainly okay, but I wipe my tears and face (no pun intended!) the world again.

Life is not easy or fair at times. However, I think there is a productive way to handle difficult circumstances. I believe part of that is “letting go and letting God” because most times we can’t control the circumstances in our life anyway, but he definitely gives us grace to withstand them. The other part is being determined to get through it and know that trouble don’t last always.

Today, I Turned 29 and Started a Blog!

Honor what you’ve accomplished, rather than thinking of what’s left to be done. ~John Bingham, author

A few weeks ago, I had the idea to start a blog. I wanted it to be meaningful to my life. I decided that I’ll explore the many lessons that I’ve learned as a twenty something (this is the last year I can truthfully say that!) and chronicle my final year in this decade.

Here’s a little sneak peek of future topics that I plan to explore:

• Hair Politics: What does it really mean when people say my hair is “elegant?” Of course, this only applies when it’s not in its natural state.  *side eye*

• Prayer/Spirituality: I spent the night over my friend’s house. The next morning I took a shower and I typically use this time to pray. Apparently, I was keeping it a little too real with God because I ended the prayer with a “holla” instead of an “amen.” When I came out of the bathroom, my friend asked me if I was talking on the phone. I replied, “No, I was talking to God.”  She gave me the side eye!

Before we begin this journey together, I’d like to take a moment to share a few of my poignant moments in my 20s.

Defining Moments of My Twenties

1.    Moving to D.C.  This was my moment of reinvention. I jettisoned the negative experiences and destructive feelings that I internalized over the years. At the same time, I was also fulfilling a dream to move to the nation’s capital and start my career. When I first arrived to the city, things were not easy. I struggled to find a full-time job but I went into survival mode, doing whatever it took to take care of myself. Thankfully, I had a great network of friends from college who helped me make the transition. In addition to becoming settled in the city, there was a shift in how I perceived myself. I became more comfortable in my skin, with my albinism, with my natural hair and in my personhood in general. This process didn’t happen overnight — there were many midnight crying sessions and letting go of others’ expectations of me. Moving to D.C. is probably the best decision I’ve made for my life.Being in this city has stretched me (and continues to do so) in so many ways and I’m thankful for every experience.

2.    Finding God for myself. It’s no secret that I’m a church girl. I grew up going to church like it was my job. I mean literally a job because church lasted from 9 a.m.- 3p.m.  (this included Sunday school and the morning service) and let’s not forget the evening service for special programs. I also regularly attended bible study on Wednesday, Friday prayer sessions, and the occasional deliverance service with my mother. Needless to say, church and spirituality were heavily embedded in my upbringing. I became well versed in the rhetoric and traditions of the Black church. However, I always felt a little out of place though because I’m not a “hooping and hollering” type of Christian but I enjoyed being a spectator during service. That was the problem – I felt like a spectator – I was going through the motions and I wasn’t sure how to connect with God for myself. I eventually outgrew the traditions of the Black church. I realized that I couldn’t continue to ride the coattails of my parents’ Christian experience because we’re obviously different people and what was working for them was not working for me. I embarked on a journey of finding God for myself. Through this journey, I’ve learned so much about God’s character and myself.  Overall, I’m thankful for the spiritual foundation that my parents instilled in me but I realized that I needed to foster my own relationship with God.

 3.    Accepting my albinism. For as long I can remember, others have always given their opinion about my identity. Mix that with being misdiagnosed at birth as having “partial albinism” (whatever that is!) and that became a recipe for major identity issues. I was searching for answers and nobody could give them to me.  I just wanted to know why I was “different” than my family and why I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere. The façade I kept up for so many years was becoming harder to mask the pain and confusion I felt surrounding my identity.  Things changed as I became more involved with the National Organization of Albinism & Hypopigmentation (NOAH).  I met other people with albinism who understood my perspective.It was a relief for me to finally realize that I actually do have albinism because for so many years my mother told me I was just “light-skinned” but that never satisfied me. I was so happy to know that I have albinism and fully accepted it. Through my involvement with NOAH, I finally found what I’ve been looking for all these years: acceptance and a sense of community.

 There are obviously so many moments that I could have included but I’m just going to stop right here and you’ll need to keep coming back to gain further insight into my world. J It’s truly been a journey navigating through life but I wouldn’t change one thing because it all made me who I am. The good. The bad. The ugly.

 Buckle up and enjoy the ride!